Potty mouth..mine

I’ve always had a bit of a potty mouth.  The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, right?

 

I can’t even count the number of times my own mother had to tell me that I don’t talk like a lady should.  What should a lady sound like anyway?  I have a feeling that according to my mother a lady should sound like her.  Ahem.  Let’s move on.  I’m not about to open THAT can of worms on the internet.  That can is best saved for nights out with my sisters and my good friend, beer.

 

The amusing thing about this is the fact that I’m a qualified, certified, early childhood educator. ..with a potty mouth.

 

It’s only natural that the short time I did work in the field I kept my mouth in check.  Believe it or not I also have always made an effort to keep it in check at home, well as long as my son is awake at the bare minimum.

 

It took me almost 3 years but I’ve pretty much got it down now.  He is too smart for his own good and picks up too quickly on the little words that he shouldn’t even be listening to.

 

I vividly remember carrying a 14 month old Mikey down the stairs.  I dropped his sippy cup and mumbled ‘shit’ under my breath.  Well it wouldn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what comes next.  My innocent child suddenly repeated ‘shit’ like it was the most natural thing in the world for him.  It doesn’t end there…unfortunately.

 

In about a week or so he figured out that every time he accidently dropped something he should say ‘shit.  Then one day in the middle of a crowded store, as he accidently tripped over a clothing rack, my innocent 14 month old shouted ‘SHIT’.

 

Oh yes, I’m sure all those lovely people who heard it must have thought I was a horrible mother.  The worst part about all of this is that I had stopped using that word around him a long time ago, and here was his little brain continually processing this amazing four letter word and all its powers.

 

Now that he’s three we’ve more or less moved on from the four letter words.  Now he’s onto a whole new level of embarrassing his mother. Sexual innuendo.

 

I honestly don’t know where the hell he picked up this sort of behaviour but the other day he leaned over, started squeezing my , for lack of a better word, boobies and proceeded to yell “Boobies, bobbies!!!” in a sing song voice at the top of his lungs.  WTF?  And he wasn’t even breast fed! Wait, maybe that IS why.

 

Just to clarify, I did talk with him about how inappropriate this behaviour is, to which his reply was, “It is POPIATE ma, I am tickling you” (yes he calls me ma, and no, we don’t live on the little house on the prairie)

 

Then of course when I thought we were out of the woods with the swearing, out came this little gem.  Let me set the scene up for you.  Mikey and his cousin were eating lunch.  Ella announces she is finished and I ask her to “Please finish your bread” To which she replies “You want me to finish my DAMN bread? O.K!”

In an attempt to fit into my role as a housewife I’ve been experimenting with cooking.

 

Anyone who knows me can confirm the fact that I hate to cook.  My husband can confirm that I cook the same meals over and over because they’re the only meals that turn out edible.  I’m not sure what the reason behind it is, but this winter I decided to do some experimenting in the kitchen.

 

I took baby steps.  I started with this , then this , and finally this.The fact that Mikey didn’t spit any of it out and didn’t tell me that it’s disgusting (which NEVER EVER happened before…ahem) meant that I’m onto something.

 

I decided to try something that didn’t involve cream cheese for a change and decided on this little gem .  Then I got REALLY brave and cooked up a batch of heaven.

 

My final hurdle was mashed potatoes.  Mashed Potatoes, you say? What’s so hard about mashed potatoes? My husband is obsessed with mashed potatoes.  Not any mashed potatoes will do, they have to be made by my brother in law and apparently no one can make them better, so I never bothered. 

 

While browsing Pioneer Woman’s  website I stumbled on a recipe for mashed potatoes  that contains nothing less but CREAM CHEESE!  I smirked to myself and knew I had him.  Everything else with the cream cheese went over so well then the mashed potatoes will be a hit for sure.

 

My husband has this really annoying habit of always saying what he thinks.  He calls it honesty or something like that.  So when I asked him how he liked the potatoes he said “Too much butter”.  Naturally I told him to go shove it and if he doesn’t like my cooking then he should find someone else who can cook to his satisfaction. 

 

He was truly surprised and asked me, “Well what did you want me to say? You asked me what I thought of them!”

 

And this ladies and gentlemen is why I never ask my husband. “Honey, does my butt look big in this dress?”

Wordless Wednesday

I’m so thankful for washable crayola markers

I love you…

Mikey was eating his breakfast this morning and out of the blue turns to me and says

“I love you Mommy”

I say “Oh how sweet, I love you too”

Which he quickly follows by:

“I love you TV”

If I rank up there with the TV I think I’m in pretty good shape.

Viva Las Vegas

We came back from Las Vegas on Monday night and I’m still recovering and trying to get back into routine.  Here’s my quick recap of the few things I managed to remember.

 

THURSDAY NIGHT

 

We headed out to the airport around 6ish and I wasn’t the least bit excited.  Sure, we were going to LAS VEGAS but I really couldn’t care less.  Want to know why?

 

 

I was sick.  Not just a little bit sick, I was DYYYYIIIINGGGG.  Now say that in the most melodramatic way possible and you will get an idea of how I was feeling.  My whole body hurt, my nose was running like a faucet and my sinuses were thisclose to exploding.  Do you know how much fun it is to ride on a plane while sick? No? Lucky you!

 

We checked in assuming it would go as any other check in and we could come back out and have some time to relax and drink a Tim Horton’s coffee.  Apparently check ins to the US are a little bit different than international check ins.  Once you have that boarding pass you HAVE to go through security and sit your butt down at your gate.  They wouldn’t even let us go to the other side for the aforementioned Tim Horton’s.   We were stuck at some crappy Americanized bar which was a complete rip off because you had to pay with Canadian money anyway.

 

The plane trip was the worst one I have had in my life, and I flew quite a bit.  I have never experienced such turbulence.  Yes, I will admit it, I actually sat in my plane chair and prayed, while my sisters held on to their second cups of wine and laughed their asses off at me.  Seriously, if you have to literally hold on to your drinks because they’re flying off your tray, that’s a time to start praying.  Obviously we made it down but that was the longest 4.5 hours of my life.

 

We finally checked in to PARIS and got the brilliant idea to scope out the hotel and Casino.  This would have been a perfectly fine idea if it wasn’t for the fact that we were on a three hour time difference.  The only thing I remember from that night was some really horrible waiter service at one of the restaurants, blowing $60.00 on a stupid machine, and going to bed around 5 AM, which would make it 8 AM Toronto time, which would mean that we stayed up way over 24 hours. 

 

FRIDAY

 

The view in our room was amazing.  The Paris tower and the Bellagio fountains.  The room itself was amazing, and I can’t say enough about how comfortable the beds were.  The first night and all the nights after I kept sleeping on the side of the bed and I could not get out of the mindset that my husband is not there and is not crowding my side or stealing my covers.

 

We ordered breakfast in our rooms and just enjoyed being lazy.  Eventually we get a phone call that we have to switch our rooms.  Due to the fact that we checked in so late they didn’t have rooms available.  That room with the amazing view actually cost $100.00 more per night, and we had two rooms.  From the 26^th floor we got downgraded to the 4^th…it sucked.

 

That night we went to see Cirque Du Soleil’s KA.  The show itself was absolutely amazing.  It’s not something I can even begin to review; you just have to see it to believe it.

 

I think I would have enjoyed it a lot more if we hadn’t had those few beers before the show.  I was in the washroom a total of 3 times during a 90 minute show; thank goodness we had seats close to the exit.

 

The highlight of that night were THE DRINKS.  They were served in the massive cups you can see on the next picture.   You can also tell on the pictures that we were out of our minds by the time we finished them.  The server told us that we wouldn’t remember him after we finished those and boy was he right.

 

The MGM Grand casino was very kind to me and I ended up with an extra $80.00 in my pocket.

 

SATURDAY

The effects of the KA drinks were clearly displayed by my sisters who spent the whole day in bed.  I did some souvenir shopping with my mom.  I managed to get Aska out of bed and we went to see Cirque Du Soleil’s “O”.  Except that we didn’t see it because they were sold out.  So we did the next best thing.  We went to a free show at a bar in our hotel.  I didn’t expect it to be so great but the Dueling Piano’s was fantastic.  We drank, laughed and drank some more.  Once they were finished we went to Bally’s Casino and found another free show and bar and did some more laughing, drinking, and drinking and drinking…

 

 

SUNDAY

The effects of the drinking, and drinking and drinking were clearly displayed by Aska who spent a majority of the day in bed while the rest of us did some more shopping.  That night we finally made it to see “O” which again was amazing.  After the show we headed to the Paris Casino where I proceeded to spend the rest of my money on slots. 

 

MONDAY

We were all actually quite eager to get our butts on the plane headed for home.  I missed Mikey and the husband.  I missed my routine!!! 

 

Overall I had an amazing time but there things I will do much differently the next time we go.  For starters I will not be playing any slots!!!

 

Las Vegas $1, 000

Me $0.00

 

 

 

Yes we can!

Let me make a confession.  I know more about American Politics than I do about Canadian Politics.  Considering the fact that I don’t really know THAT much about American Politics really goes to show you how interested I am in Canada.  I don’t even know who our Prime Minister is!  But I sure as hell know who the new President of the US is!

 

Can I just say how overjoyed I am that Obama did it?  That the American people finally woke up and embraced Democracy?

 

And I know it wasn’t supposed to be an election based on race but let’s not kid ourselves, it was.  Let’s not kid ourselves either, there are people all over the world right now loathing the fact that a black man is president of the United States.  I’m not one of them.

 

I was brought up with very conservative beliefs when it came to politics.  We didn’t talk politics much at our house but when we did my father made it very clear that he loves Bush and his agenda. (Excuse me while I gag)  Again, keep in mind as you’re reading this that I really know squat about politics so this is my own odd interpretation of everything.

 

Getting back to my father.  You would think that living through communism in Poland and watching it get defeated would have a different effect on a man, but for some reason it hasn’t.  I was   3 years old when Democracy was instituted in Poland and I wish I could have remembered that part in History.

 

I’m glad I can remember last night because this was history too.  I’m not sure that many people truly realize what last night’s events mean, not on a political level but on a HUMAN level. 

 

The battle was won but the war has just begun.  Obama has a huge job in front of him and I hope the US people can be patient and not expect dramatic results over night.

 

I stayed up and watched the speeches last night.  I will admit that Obama’s made me cry.  The one part in particular where he said, and this is not a direct quote, that tonight there will be people staying up after their kids go to bed, wondering how they will pay their mortgage.

 

He knows, he heard you, he understands and he will fight to help you! You need to help him too!

A step by step guide to doing laundry on a Thursday

1. Go into your laundry room ready tackle a load of darks
2. Begin sorting the clothes in the basket completely unaware that everything is about to go wrong from here
3. Reach in for a black sock and begin screaming like a maniac
4. Look into the basket to see a 3 foot centipede (okay, so maybe it wasn’t 3 feet long but it was huge)
5. Drop everything and run out of the laundry room
6. Go back to slam the door shut
7. Hyperventilate for 10 minutes in the kitchen
8. Start thinking rationally, it’s just a bug, you’re much bigger than him, it’s more scared of you than you are of it  ( I highly doubt that)
9. Continue thinking rationally, put on rubber gloves, grab a shoe and a bottle of Lysol spray
10. Start taking out the clothes one by one, we do this by not actually stepping into the room, just leaning in and holding the piece of clothing by a single strand
11. Proceed to spray the piece of clothing with the Lysol spray for a good 10 minutes hoping it will scare the bug out if it is inside ( I wonder what effect Lysol spray has on cotton)
12. Continue to do this with two more pieces of clothing before getting the heebie jeebies again                    
13. Drop everything on the floor, shut the door and call your husband
14. Inform him that he has a load of laundry to do when he comes back from work.

Hating Cats

That’s our new addition.  I saw a picture of him one day and was on my way to pick him up the next. 

Let me explain something.  I love cats.  I am going to be that crazy cat lady in another 40 years or so, that’s how much I love them.  My husband on the other hand H A T E S cats.  He absolutley L O A T H E S them.  So I was a little bit nervous about bringing a cat home.  How would the husband treat him? 

Oh the cruelty!!! I can’t stand to look at it!!!

He’s not my cat, he’s Greg’s cat.  He’s a smart little furball because he knew exactly who to suck up to.  He follows Greg around like a little puppy.  Remember how I said Greg H A T E S cats?  Well, he hates this one so much he crowds my side of the bed at night so the cat can have room to sleep beside him.  He hates him so much that when I sent him on a grocery run last night he forgot the onions but brought home a wind up mouse.  He hates him so much that he didn’t even complain when we dropped $200.00 on the vet bill last night.

He H A T E S cats so much.

Do do do…

It’s 8:30…

Mikey is asleep, the house is clean, the laundry is done, even folded and put away.

Conversations

Ella:  I want candy

Me: Yea, well I want a million dollars

Ella:  Puts out her hand..Here you go now give me candy

At a crowded bakery, with five kids

Random stranger: Whoa, do you need a rope? (To keep track of the children I assume)

Me: Yeah, to hang myself with, thanks.